now that im setting my boundies and pin pointing what i do and dont like about my “friends”/other ppl, i can now FEEL it INTENSLY when someone just isnt right for me or is steering me down a negative path.
i have a girl friend who i tried to be productive with today but only inconveniced tf outta me the entire day. the goal was to film the first video for my yt, have her help me do my sleeves, do a shoot w her, then go downtown to see my other friend, and then go to queens to get my bud. A LOT, but very possible if everything stayed on schedule.
The goal was to meet before one to help with sleeves and do the shoot before 4 to make it between 6-4 to meet that friend. But this girl decided that she was going to waste my time by not only starting to get ready around 1 but cutting her bangs KNOWING we had to meet before one. There was no urgency. No acknowledgement of my time.
I tried to film but she told me she was on her way and i knew i would need more time so i didnt do it. But then she ends up texting me three hours later to tell me she was on her way.
She got to my house around 3 and i started to do her makeup & this is where things started to aggravate me and i just wanted to finish this and get away from her.
I started her makeup and tried my best to go as fast as possible to have time for the shoot, because the sun starts to go down around 4-5 ish. She started to complain and complain and complain and wasting both of our times causing us to not be able to do the shoot. More inconvenience.
Keep in mind im leaving out the parts where all she does is talk about herself and her problems. And she lives a very woe is me lifestyle, the worse kind of lifestyle to have tbh. Because as much as there are things that are out of your control there are ALWAYS alterntives. It takes work to seek them out and find them. most people are too afraid of this task…and me not being like that and actually being quite the opposite, it inconveniences me bc that energy rubs off.
As the day continued she wasted time doing her eyebrows over and going to the bathroom to stare at herself, asking me if she cut should cut more of her bangs, me saying no bc i have to meet my feiend and her still doing it anyway…no respect for me or my time.
We left at 540, not being able to go see my friend. Another inconvenience.
I got nothing done today. And that makes me sad. I tried to include her, to uplift her (bc shes going through her own issues as well) but all this proves to me is that no matter how much you want to help someone you cant if they dont want it, so help yourself. And if cutting her off helps myself, then so be it.
Im not with anything anymore. Keep the lazy, keep the complaining, the selfishness, the misuse of my kindness and compassion.
I swear im seeing that if i just get rid of all this megativity thats shackling me down ill perservere.
going through old videos seriuosly wondering what happened to me lol
im not myself anymore, and i havent been for a LONG TIME.
documentation of your growth (setbacks still equal growth bc for every setback perserverance is inevitable) really helps. i can trace my steps and pinpoint where i started to become more reclusive.
rejection has really caused me to cave in on myself. even since middle school. being my loud, obnoxious self was constantly being rejected. and i guess i just..finally faultered as an adult and tried to hide myself as much as possible.
it sucks but im glad im able to identify the change and go back to that.
these two years of extreme reclusion and heightened anxiety really helped me matter of fact. bc i can come back into the world undeniably myself but more compassionate, strategic and much more self loving.
i thought i knew what self love is but true mental freedom from judgement and material things is where its at.
